The Fever Dream
by kissthesebrokenwings
Summary: Sasuke doesn't tell her much but Hinata feels like the tremor in his hands has and will always be enough.
1. Chapter 1

I'm just trying to get back into the swing of writing. Reviews are always nice. I'm sorry if there are any spelling errors. I edited it but sometimes errors escape my notice.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto and any of it's characters.

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**Chapter 1 **

**This is the End**

**~1980, May 31**

She can't stop coughing up blood, no matter how much she tries to cover her mouth and inhale between counts of four and exhales of the same pattern.

She's doing this thing that resembles a dying animal, scrabbling at whatever she's entangled her fingers in and digging welts into it. A tree, she realizes, because her fingers are bleeding a bit as well from holding on and she can smell pine and copper.

There are dead bodies around her too but she's knows to ignore them. One of them is loosely grasping a kunai, the one that had made the gash down her chest. His eyes are wide open and eerily staring at her. He doesn't blink and his face is twisted at an odd angle against the floor.

"I can't-" Hinata starts and coughs up more; scarlet is dribbling down her chin, making splatters on the floor. She knows because she can't seem to stop focusing on it, whilst her fingers are clawing at whatever surface she has her hands on, and oh, her vision is hazy. "I can't-" she tries again and hacks up more.

Black emerges at the forefront of her vision and she thinks, 'oh good, I'm going to sleep. I need that. It's been too long,' but she realizes quickly enough that it's just Sasuke's hair.

There must have been some sort of lapse in time because she can suddenly see his face –porcelain – and she blinks to try to focus, but it only makes time seem to move forward faster.

She sees his lips moving but they're just about as understandable as the blood on the floor and she feels herself trying to close her eyes again to refocus.

A sharp sting is felt on her left cheek and she barely contains a hiss, turning away abruptly. Blood splatters on the wall in the direction she's turned to and she wants to tell Sasuke to stop slapping her because he's not helping at all- it's the opposite of help in fact.

"Stay awake" he's saying – but she thinks he's yelling that – and she wants to tell him that she would if he would stop making her injury worse but all she manages is another cough. "Don't move" he adds, and she thinks he's being a little bosy.

"-breathe" she finishes, because she suddenly remembers what she was trying to say. "I can't breathe" she manages and it only garners a swear from Sasuke and he's lifting her up. She can feel the world spin on its axis and she rolls her head in to tuck herself under his arm as he adjusts her against his chest.

"Stay awake" he repeats and she wants to add that she doesn't want to listen to him because he got them here in the first place. They're deep in the forests of the hidden mist and too far from Konoha to possibly call for Naruto- help, she really means help. To call for help.

"I think it's getting into my lungs" she says, "that-"

"Shut up" he hisses and suddenly they're in the air, high above the canopy of trees, and she stops because she thinks she can hear the desperation in his tone. "I know that" and he then proceeds to ignore her.

She closes her eyes.

**~1980, June 6**

Hinata picks at the stitches on her neck. It makes a trail further down the valley between her breasts and stops at her abdomen. It will be another couple of weeks before Sasuke will see them fit to be taken out.

There are no windows in the room she's in. The bed is white and smells faintly of herbs and sweat and the chair she occupies is often the one Sasuke sits in at night when he's watching her; hands clasped in front of him and expression unreadable. It's cold and wooden and the air is almost clammy and nothing like home on the Hyuuga compound. She misses the smell of the daffodils that would grow in the garden. They had often been her bed in the afternoon during her breaks from the medic room in the center of Konoha. But that had been so long ago.

She realizes that she's been swimming in her thoughts again because the book in her other hand falls and she startles at the sound it makes when it hits the floor.

She bends to pick it up and she's shocked by the numbing pain down her chest, and she crumples to the floor, on top of the book.

It's enough to send Sasuke running in because she can hear the heavy footfalls he makes as he runs down the stairs and she can hear the clattering of pans from whatever he was cooking before he heard her. Her only passing thought is that dinner will probably have to be remade. He absolutely hates cooking so he will most likely be mad at her for not sitting still and letting the wounds heal like he's told her so many times before.

"Hinata" he says, and he's already picking her up.

She's only slightly worried that she didn't hear him opening the door or appearing behind her to pick her up.

Her senses seem duller than before and it doesn't make sense.

"I told you not to move too much, No, I told you to rest" his actions aren't as laced with anger as his words because he carries her like a bird to the bed. He's pushing a strand from her eyes and unconsciously feeling her pulse.

She notices he does that a lot.

Checks her pulse.

Sometimes longer than he should.

Sometimes for no reason.

She's breathing. There's no need for that, but she thinks it's his new ritual, so she never comments. She sometimes washes her hands long after they're clean from blood.

"-and are you even listening?" he says and her head snaps up to look at him because it seems like she had been focusing on his neck far longer than what an attentive listener should have been doing.

"I-" she manages, but he cuts her off,

"stay still" and he touches her forehead, seeming to look for something in her eyes.

He's eye to eye with her.

Black to opaque.

She stares into the abyss.

They stay like that for a long time, but that's only Hinata's attempt to hazard a guess because time is scrambled for her.

Sasuke doesn't let her read the news on the resistance nor does he give her much of a status update on what they're next objective is or how everyone else is doing. Newspapers don't seem to deliver where they are and there are no windows in her room. She often doesn't leave the room lest Sasuke bickers with her on the possibility of her reopening her wounds. She sometimes feels guilty for that since she's supposed to be the medic in their partnership – and a shoddy job he's done with the stitches but she doesn't tell him that. It would be hypocritical too because her chakra paths are so scrambled that she can't even do a simple healing jutsu.

"When do we regroup with the resistance?" she asks when he seems to be inching closer to her.

His eyes are suddenly steel. "When they tell us to. Right now we're no good to them with you out of commission."

We, he'd said and she wanted to correct him that it was she who was useless currently. He could pass her off to Tsunade – the best medic of the lot of them – and she could heal up quite fine while he continues with a temporary partner until she's up and running again but she had said that a couple days ago and he had snapped back like a rearing snake, "We're low on medics. The sound nin like to kill your kind because they know it'll hit us the hardest. A mission without you will most likely lead to my death"

She tries again now because he seems distracted by something on her face.

"They should've sent word atleast" she tries patiently, but she's only met with Sasuke's back.

He's walking to the door.

"Sasuke" she says again – and when had her voice sounded so feeble and so reminiscent of when she had first met him?

He stops.

"I'd like to get into touch with Naruto atleast," she breathes, missing the blonde like she's missing a limb, "I can still do something from here. Tend to some of the sick. I won't be as efficient but I can-"

"Hinata" Sasuke says, and it's in that tone that garners no argument, "the resistance doesn't need you right now. You are no use to them half dead" he turns to her, positively ice and steel, "rest" and he's clutching her chin and so close, but she can feel his hands shaking from where he's touching her.

He leans in so, so close she can smell the smoke off of him – from cooking – and she feels like he's caging her in because she can't breathe. There's something desperate there - in his gaze- but she can't seem to understand it.

Sasuke pulls back just as quickly and she suddenly feels less suffocated.

"Dinner will be ready in an hour" he finishes and shuts the door.

She can hear him locking it behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I plan to keep these chapters fairly short so I don't kill myself by treating this like an essay with a set amount of words, so updates will be slightly faster.

When I do get back to the Attraction Effect, it will be when I feel like gazing upon that monstrosity that I practically need to rewrite since it's been far too long since I've laid eyes on the plot.

Note for this story though that I forgot to say earlier. Dates are important. It'll feel disjointed, but I've long accepted that that's how I write and most of the stuff on here are garbled and quickly hashed out because I'm far too tired to attend to my actual studies or just generally frustrated.

Something I need to point out since a review alerted me of this. This is a semi-AU, in the Naruto universe, but the politics are semi-warped.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters

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**Chapter 2 **

**To Begin Again**

**~1975, February 3**

Sakura is seated at Hinata's side, eyes at half-mast and looking blearily at the diced meat in front of her. Food is rationed and meat is especially sparse. In the event that sound nin happen to catch wind of their current location – though they are deep in the depths of the water country in which they have a hesitant treaty with, enough that if the sound asks, the water nin are especially tight-lipped about their location – the pigs are the first to be abandoned. Whatever meat they take with them is often a toss up. Between the horses that the few farmers or the sick and injured ride, it's almost never plausible to cook the valuable livestock when transportation is surely more important.

"Are-are you alright Sakura?" Hinata whispers then again, stronger this time, "Are you alright Sakura?" Sakura hates when Hinata stutters. She often tells Hinata this, hands on her waist and a frown evident on her face, "You'll be taken more seriously if you speak louder and clearer and have authority in your tone." Hinata has always idolized that strength Sakura just seems to naturally have, but it must be also that back in their days as genin, when Konoha hadn't been at war, Sakura had been in the legendary team 7, her, Sasuke, and Naruto.

Sasuke now runs the highly specialized remnants of the ANBU along with his brother, Itachi, doing mostly recon and spy work to find new locations to settle or to clear the way for the injured and sick.

Now, Naruto leads the resistance, a dead set in his jaw and whatever spark Hinata had once loved – still loves with the fervor of a thirsty man to water – is few and far between like his smiles. He works with Tsunade, the head medic, often to get a second opinion on casualties in whatever plan he's creating. Each one seems bolder and bolder and every decision makes him seem more guarded, tight-lipped, even when he follows Tsunade on rounds to visit the injured. Those are the only times when Hinata ever sees him. It's always when he's at his worst and she can only love him so much more, pathetic and reminiscent of happier times.

It must really shape a person, to be surrounded by such strong people all the time.

Sakura reaches out and taps Hinata's forehead, grinning now – that grim and tired look gone already, "I should be asking you that. You seem more far away. Thinking of Naruto again?" and Sakura laughs, but it's weak and even the well-meaning tone Sakura means to have is shadowed by some semblance of annoyance and irritation. Hinata bites back her blush and remembers herself, and she's Sakura's assistant again, not the stuttering youth that used to watch Naruto behind the gates as he left for missions.

"What are the casualties this time?" Hinata says, and Sakura's face draws a long shadow, despite the peaking sun in the sky.

Sakura never complains about her job. She tends to the sick and often is seen with Tsunade as well, talking in low whispers and whirling up calm wherever she is; solid and strong.

What Hinata has always wanted to be.

She wonders now if her last minute decision to join the medic nin ranks under Tsundae's tutelage –during the earlier times when the sound had pushed Konoha to war and everyone had been scrambling to fight or protect – had been a mistake. She often doesn't let her thoughts stray or she'll miss Sakura's words.

"Just twenty, but they were all from the ANBU, so they're extensive, highly delicate injuries needing more experienced medics. I know you're off your rounds right now, but I'm gonna need your help" Sakura's face isn't apologetic and she doesn't have the tact to look sheepish. The war has drained that away. She seems more raw and Hinata can't really tell if she prefers it that way.

She barely remembers Sakura back in the day when she could smell the daisies.

"Of course" Hinata agrees softly and repeats, under Sakura's stare "Yes" and it's more firm.

It makes Sakura smile. More genuine and open, "That's my girl" and she ruffles her hair.

They make their way to the makeshift medical tent they've constructed. The air smells of sweat and blood and that rancid smell of sickness. Tenten, who had once served in the ANBU, is making notes at the bedside of one of the injured, a volunteer, since often, the medic tent is hit first during surprise attacks that they're often short-staffed.

"Status?" Sakura is saying as she puts on her gloves and Hinata quietly follows, surveying the room. Medic nins in training bow to Sakura in respect but quickly turn back to their job after Sakura's grim nod of acknowledgement.

"Tenten says, "make that twenty one" and she flicks her hair back, laying her hand on the ninja's hand when he attempts to sit up, "Don't try anything Tenma, or that lung will burst out of your chest" and the man leans back down when Tenten continues, "Sasuke's back and things aren't looking good"

"But what about the medic, Izuno?" Sakura hedges, suddenly frazzled. It seems only Sasuke can invoke that response from her. "He's supposed to keep him and Itachi uninjured. What has he been doing? Sitting on his ass!?"

Tenten purses her lip, a sure sign that the complete seventy four hours of on duty work is getting to her. "Mind the dead will you?" and Sakura mimics that look too.

Silence persists for a moment.

"Sorry, I didn't think, I-"

"You don't need to apologize" Tenten says, "You've also been on the clock for seventy hours. No one blames you"

Tenten looks to Hinata, as if noticing her for the first time.

Hinata feels meek and silly, standing next to such powerful women, but she straightens her back and looks Tenten in the eye. She knows not to discredit herself. The resistance can't afford that in any of their ninja.

The woman must like what she sees because she says, "I think it's best you tend to Sasuke's wounds Hinata. Sakura will stay with me and tend to the rest"

Sakura turned red, "I can handle Sasuke! Hinata can-"

"Sakura" and Tenten's eyes take on that steel that Hinata sees in some patient's who've been on duty for far too many years, "you're compromised and tired. Hinata has only been here for twenty four hours. She will be much less likely to make mistakes in surgery"

Sakura was gasping now "He needs surgery? How serious are his wounds? I need to see him!" Her fists were clenched. There's a swirl of chakra forming in the air.

Hinata let out a breath of air. "S-Sakura" she tries, and then louder, "Sakura, I'm trained to handle this. Please let me do my job"

Sakura rears at her, livid, "My job is to tend to the sick and injured as well Hinata, I can-"

"and my job as your assistant medic is to lessen the burden that your job requires" Hinata says back, shaky, but calm and authoritative enough that Sakura would have been proud to hear had she not been so frazzled and stressed. "Remember?"

Then Sakura just deflates, "Right, you're right. I'm sorry. I need to-" she reaches for a chair but opts to kneel by it instead, looking so weak, that for a moment, Hinata can't help but irrevocably and passionately hate this war and what it's done to those precious to her.

Hinata kneels to hug her, but it's Tenten who sweeps her up easily into a strong hold and says softly, "There there." She looks at Hinata with a meaningful gaze and gestures to the surgical wing of the tent, meant for patients in need of critical care.

Hinata stands, nodding.

She walks into the next wing.

Hinata is greeted by a pool of blood and shrewd red eyes, pinwheels for irises focused on her face. Unblinking.

It terrifies her.

**~1980, June 10**

Hinata tries to go outside.

Sasuke is dozing on the chair he always seems to occupy when she's resting, never seeming to retreat into his own somewhere else in the house, never seeming to stray too far. He always ushers her into the shower, and whenever she begs for privacy, he harshly procures that if she'd like to slip and fall into the tub and open her wounds, she can go right ahead. He watches her eat and makes her empty the plate and he helps her dress too, when she struggles. She was embarrassed at first, sometimes returning to stutters and mumbling, but it stopped when his gaze never seemed to be more than clinical. Steely and faraway.

But sometimes she thinks she sees a glimpse of hopeless desperation, a yawning chasm in his eyes so deep that she could drown if she looked too long…

She shakes those thoughts away. Silly and idealistic. She's only ever known and breathed Sasuke since they began their one year mission undercover in the heart of the sound after proving to the resistance that their partnership was efficient. She remembers Naruto's pursed lips and Sakura's frantic whispering and Tsunade's frown as she had stood off to the side with him in a soldier's stance, awaiting orders.

Sasuke didn't complain nor seem fazed that he had had to work with her, but nothing seemed to faze him much.

He had not even expressed his disregard as her partner, but five years was a long time to be partnered to someone and he had only complained and belittled her in the beginning. Oh, enough of that… she was growing slow with her lack of things to do.

She gently pries the door to her room open, unlocked this time because when Sasuke enters the room to see her, he usually leaves it unlocked.

She begins the gentle tread on the stairs, leaning on the banister with effort.

She manages a shaky exhale and thinks, 'just one step in front of the other, and how can this be harder than performing surgery' and smiles grimly to herself. She wobbles a bit, used to Sasuke's weight as support that she can barely handle herself. 'How stupid' she thinks, 'that I have come to depend on him so much to move me around. It must have been days, no weeks since I've been stuck in that room. Oh, I don't know the time or day, but Sasuke probably does.'

And that thought stutters in her head, because Sasuke knows everything and she can't possibly allow that.

She manages to make it to the kitchen and can see from the corner of her gaze, the bathroom, as windowless as the kitchen. She never knows whether it's morning or night as a result. She tries to hobble to the door but there's not much support between the table and the doorknob to the outside.

In trying to manage an easier route, she doesn't notice the gentle footfall – but she's already established that her sensing facilities are compromised- or the icy,

"Where are you going Hinata?"

She regains her precarious balance, caught off guard. "I need to get out" she doesn't look at him when she says it, but settles for loud and authoritative. Sakura would have grinned and nodded in pride.

"And do you think you're useful to the resistance like this? Barely able to walk, hardly able to sense my presence?"

And Hinata hates that tone because they are biting and unfeeling. She wishes he could inject a reprimanding tone so she can feel like he has well-meanings behind it, but this is far worse.

She hates this, hates being useless because she wants to be useful to those she cares about but she must have said that aloud because Sasuke looks unguarded.

"Don't be an idiot" he says quickly, composure regained, and reaches his hand out and forcefully pulls her back into his hold. "You're going back to sleep and-"

"No" she pulls back and staggers into the table, but ignores the sharp pain it incites. Her chest hurts a lot worse. "I need to go back. Don't treat me like a child Sasuke. I want to go back. We're compromised. I'm not able to function. We go back to Naruto. I get healed while you take another mission. It works better that way"

"We're partners" he hisses, but it's softer on the edges, and it sneaks into his eyes too, "Does that have no meaning to you? It's just as bad for me, having to see your injuries as proof that I can't protect you"

"No" she stutters and corrects herself, firm, "No"

She hates this side of him, gentle. It suits him too well. It's a persona he uses when he's charming the local sound nin villagers, waxing poetry about his humble upbringing – a cover of course for the mission – and easily worming his way into their hearts before he tortures them and slits their throats and dumps their bodies to be found by their families. Smiling all the while and so gentle.

"You don't do that on me" she says, angry.

He pauses, "Hinata"

She continues, "you can't tell me to sit and stay and then expect my full obedience. If we are partners-no- if we are equals, you will treat me like one. You will tell me-" she breaks off, voice faint "tell me what the resistance needs. My plan makes sense. It's better in the long run. I know you hate breaking your perfect mission complete track record but if you care even a bit, you'll take me back. It's more efficient"

"Hinata" he says again, patient.

"No. You listen to me"

"Hinata you're bleeding"

She frowns.

Where she had hit the table has stressed her stitches. Of course.

She blinks slowly at Sasuke, owl like and at a loss for words, and he cradles her under his arm again.

She didn't even see him cover the distance to her. "I'm taking you back to bed"

She leans against him. The bleeding is not looking good but she tries to walk as much as she can.

He lifts her instead when she tries.

His face is set forward but she doesn't miss his considering gaze at her neck, the slow trail down her bare collar bone and the expanse of her chest where the bandages have loosened due to her movements.

She hates that. Feels like a bird in a cage. She's been feeling that too much lately and his grip only tightens when her breath hitches on the first few steps up the stairs, like steel.

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Dates in the story are important, in case you didn't read the authors note above. The reviews honestly urged me to update this quickly, since I can imagine I've upset some people by disappearing for a year or two. I'm sorry. Feel free to PM me if you're interested in whatever shitty excuse I have to give cause I'm not gonna spill it out here where no one is particularly interested.

I'll probably do 2 dates at a time per chapter to relearn my writing. I haven't written in so long.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for the reviews. They encourage me to continue and improve.

This chapter is plot heavy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of it's characters

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**Chapter 3 **

**You and I**

**~1975, February 3**

"Where's Sakura?" Sasuke says, and Hinata can tell its Sasuke just by the trademark sharingan eyes and aristocratic features. He's as pale as porcelain and the blood that's covering him is a stark, visceral contrast.

Hinata gains her bearings, "She's off duty right now. I will be your attending medic and surgeon" she settles for a formal tone because she honestly doesn't know him beyond seeing him from a distance, conversing with Naruto, a laidback posture and slight smirk on his face. He's an important figure in the resistance, so she doesn't hesitate to walk up to him, take a look at the medical supplies by his bedside prepped for surgery and she frowns a little. The equipment is minimal, the room isn't sterile and she doesn't have an attending nurse.

Sasuke seems to catch her look, "I'd prefer Sakura handling my injuries. If you're incompetent, I'd rather you didn't perform the surgery on me."

It was harsh and made Hinata reel,

"I am capable of handling this," she says, tone clipped.

Sasuke grabs her hand, startling her enough to stop her survey of the equipment to look into his red eyes, "That's great" he drawls, tone smooth but a touch threatening, "but I have about two intelligence operations to return to and a report to file right after this surgery so you better be able to ensure I'm able to function"

Hinata, with practiced ease, treats him like he's another unruly patient, "I'm aware you're worried, but I assure you that you are receiving the best medical treatment we can offer," and she adds, a tad bit venomous, "the best that this tent can supply anyway. You are ANBU after all. I know how important you are"

His gaze turns even more unreadable – if that's possible - and he leans back, leaving a trail of blood patterns etched into the sleeve of her white medical gown. He looks away and that seems to be the signal for her to start the surgery.

She reaches for the anesthesia and begins.

It takes no time for her to follow the pattern of stitching and healing, then more stitching.

It's about two hours later when she's done and Sasuke's already beginning to open his eyes.

She says quickly to his lethargic frame, "report back to this tent before you leave for your mission so I or another medic can have another look at your vital signs. I've stitched up the large wounds, stopped the bleeding, and used several healing jutsus so you can return to duty today if you'd like" she wants to add, 'but it would be best to rest today' but she knows that most ANBU don't or can't afford to.

She walks out of the room, mindful of his lingering gaze, half-sleep induced and bleary.

Hinata takes a breath, collapsing into a seat.

Her hands are trembling. She looks at them with half-opened eyes. She's seeing double as well.

She knows the fatigue is settling in, but she can't possibly tell Sakura now that she's calling it a day, especially when she had been so tired and stretched thin.

She still has to attend to three more patients before heading for another surgery, and since Sakura's out of commission, she probably has more lined up after.

Hinata wants to get up, but she instead settles deeper into the chair and tries to think of things that'll keep her awake. She's on staff break, but it's only fifteen minutes. Not much time for a power nap. She's also terrified that she won't be able to wake up if she does attempt one.

But her eyes close against her own volition.

It's like her memories choose that moment of fragility to stem into her unconsciousness, distorted and loud.

She dreams of her team again. She's standing on the outskirts in her dream – an outsider looking in - overlooking a bank and at the bottom of the bank are Kiba and Shino and she sees herself too, young and smiling. They're walking through the Hyuuga compound, surrounded by daisies.

The wind picks up.

Kiba looks at her younger self, hands in his pocket, brown hair fumbling in the breeze, and he says, "We didn't want to tell you but you'd find out later anyway." He casts a weary look to Shino and looks back to her, "We made it into the ANBU. A special division. We'll be handling tracking. They said we start tomorrow." He tries to instill joy into his words, "Only fifteen and we're already gonna kick some major ass!"

Hinata feels that chill starting from her toes again – that old ache she sometimes can't shake off – and its already made its way up into her chest when her younger self finally stutters, "T-that's great. I'm g-glad"

And that was never what Kiba wanted to hear, Hinata laments now, as she watches. She sees Kiba with a rueful grin and Shino looking away, shrouded under his hood, "I think my old man would've been happy you know. I'm doing something for Konoha. Not pretending like there isn't a war going on and we're on the losing side. So many of our parents sacrificed themselves protecting us from the Sound nin and I'm gonna be up there too. Fighting. Me and Shino."

He looks a little softer now, "You'll be ok, right?"

But she can see herself holding back tears, nodding vigorously and wiping her face. And there's this half-winded wheezing sound coming out of her mouth and Hinata has to look away from this scene, because she remembers saying that she'd be fine- no, not really – and that their parents would be proud – not that they can remember their faces after they had marched off and died somewhere cold.

She thinks of her father when she had been ten, one of the first to raise his hand to join the budding resistance and so many other arms of the Hyuuga rising up to meet his. Then the Uchiha had went as well, and she was left alone.

She remembers doing nothing for a year after Kiba and Shino had left, promising to have a party with her after they had defeated the sound nin.

That had been six years ago.

They sometimes visit her, but now, Shino says even less – and that seems almost painfully impossible – but even he says far more than Kiba.

She starts to walk away from that memory, and the bank she's on disappears and the daisies scatter from below and fade. She closes her eyes and wills herself to wake up, but her unconscious is cruel and she's suddenly standing, a scalpel in her hand and looking at Kiba again and he's in a hospital bed. He's aged, like her, and he has more scars down his arms and neck and a vicious one near his ear. He's bleeding from his mouth and his hands are grasping her sleeves, making rivulets of blood on the floor.

Everything around her is white and he's saying, "Help me, help me, help me Hinata. I don't want to die. I can't. Hinata, please. Hinata, Hinata"

And she wakes up, because someone's arm is gently shaking her shoulder, "Hinata. Hinata"

She focuses her gaze.

Dots dance in front of her vision before they focus.

Tsunade is there and she's surprised enough to gasp and open her eyes wide, "I'm sorry! How long have I been asleep? I have to see to patients and-"

Tsunade stops her, brown eyes soft, "Hey, it's alright. I've attended to them. You looked tired, so I let you sleep. You've only been out for a couple hours."

Hinata stands up rigidly, "I'll go see if there are anymore and-"

"No need" Tsunade cuts in. "Naruto wants to see you." She looks slightly pained, but doesn't hesitate to add, "You've been invited to join the medical squad in the ANBU."

**~1980, June 11**

It's bath time again.

Sasuke's holding a towel against his shoulder and uses his hands to expertly undo the bandages for her. She doesn't blush anymore, doesn't see the reason too. It seems almost natural now, to have him do something like this. She feels the bandages, now slightly bloody from the previous day's wounds, falling to the floor and caressing her feet. She wiggles her toes unconsciously when he efficiently wraps her in the towel he has in hand. He lifts her up with a small grunt and cradles her to his chest then opens the door to the stairs and begins the walk to the bathroom.

She takes the time to catalogue the marks on the wall.

Sasuke is ever so gentle, light footfalls every step and a steady hold that reminds her that she won't fall while she's in his arms.

She's brought out of her reverie when she realizes she's already in the tub.

The water smells scented, like daisies.

It hits close to home. The Hyuuga compound, the bed of daisies, her cousin, the feel of the sunshine and all those pleasant things that it's like an ache in her chest worse than the physical pain. It makes her long for that softness so much that it hurts. She wants that so much, so much.

Maybe it's the almost domestic atmosphere that makes her say it. Sasuke is sitting on a stool behind her, passing soap so she won't have to stretch herself too far and risk opening her wounds and he's lathering up the sponge for her as well.

"I want to have two children" she blurts out and immediately regrets it.

He seems to stiffen at her sudden outburst.

She's mortified and just a little ashamed. Ashamed that she could say something like that in the midst of a war; say what she wants. But she barrels on because the scent of flowers in the water is nice and thoughtful on Sasuke's part to do for her, even if he probably never meant for it to be seen that way.

"Two children, so that neither of them will ever be lonely." She stops looking at Sasuke because he's stock still and looks slightly pained, like he doesn't want to share this moment with her or like he doesn't know what to do with that outburst.

That was stupid, she thinks. I should be having this moment with Sakura, not Sasuke. He's my partner, not friend or family or…

Sasuke turns up the dials to the water, reheating it for her, when the silence gets too long and he's already passed the sponge to her. She's scrubbing her chest, face and ears pink – but she can easily pretend it's the heat of the water, not embarrassment.

"I want eight" he finally says, and it startles her enough to drop the sponge, but she quickly picks it up again and continues cleaning.

"Why eight?" she says softly, afraid that he'll close himself up again if she speaks too loudly.

No hesitation on his part. "To rebuild the clan"

And of course she should have expected that much.

"I've lost too much of my family to this war. It's part of my duty to build it up again to its former glory"

She nods, not looking at him. She understands that need. With the Hyuuga clan dwindling after so many years and their trademark features diluting as blood mixed, as women went to marry into different clans, and many more men and women went to join the war, she barely sees any more that share the name Hyuuga, and none who she can call family.

It's suddenly melancholy again and even the floral scent makes her feel nauseous.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you for the reviews. I read all of them and take each comment to heart, whether it be to improve the timeline (when the war started, who the leader is etc.) or requests to increase scenes that people particularly liked. I received requests to make both the past and present longer so I'm at an impasse. I will attempt to increase the length of chapters and both the past and present content.

Hopefully, I have cleared up the timeline as well with the last chapter (subtly, but it might've just been more disorienting) but to drive the point home, there is definitely more of the history and the hierarchy revealed in this chapter. I will attempt to minimize spelling errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Seize the Day**

**~1975, February 3**

The first thing Naruto does when he sees Hinata is smile. It's wide and all encompassing – a beacon in the dark – and she just wants to bask in that all day. She feels gritty and tarnished beside him, smelling of medical fumes and sweat and her hair is a little unkempt. Her hands are still a little shaky and she feels some of the grit under her eyes. She doesn't feel clean.

The control tower is just a magnificently large tent – since their constant movement seems to demand efficient transport – and it is probably one of the largest and well fortified out of the whole encampment. Large concentrations of defense as well as the ANBU are constantly seen walking around the perimeter. She can see in one corner of the spacious room, a couple of haggard looking ANBU, sprawled over a map and whispering lowly to themselves.

There are some of the ANBU medics as well, strewn between the ANBU, rare, but present. It is no secret that the sound nin have found it in their top priority to systematically kill all Konoha medic nins and non-ninja villagers. Simply put, less medic nins means a smaller turnout of ANBU able to continue fighting and less villagers means less food and manual labour available to run a village, especially one as nomadic as Konaha is – or has become.

At the back of her eyelids, she can sometimes remember how large the Hokage tower was, how beautiful the streets could be at night with lamps lit and the dinner smells wafting in a tantalizing dance with the breeze. That was so long ago, when Konoha had been cocky and sure it could defend itself. That was until the sound nin had began killing the farmers. The fortified defense around the terrified settlers had led to an opening to their previous Hokage, Sarutobi, who had been killed in the fray. The chill that had went over the village could never be forgotten and by the time the ANBU had been brought to attention, it was apparent that years of tranquility had weakened them. It was only then did the stronger clans devote themselves to the battle, including her father. Nowadays, their lives are so cluttered, that since Naruto took the title of Hokage, it only makes sense to call it a resistance. So many are dead and to call it a war would only remind them how fruitless the endeavour is, no matter how large their victories. The body count rises and the sound only seem to be enjoying themselves. Like snakes in the grass; watching and striking periodically, but always at the heart.

It's Naruto who so easily sweeps her out of her headspace, kind, and lovely, and a reminder of the past because, his eyes always hold hope. It's nostalgic and pathetic, she knows, to want him so much when he knows her only out of her association with Sakura and vaguely through their interactions as genin, but she cherishes his freely given warmth.

"You're being offered a position as a medic nin in the ANBU" he says first thing, and Hinata can see now, upon further inspection, that his smile, though bright, is brittle and frayed. All-encompassing, but losing its luster.

It makes her unbearably sad.

"Y-yeah" she says, then corrects herself "Yes. I agree to their proposition"

Naruto looks subdued, like any fight he wants to bring into the argument is lost. He sighs, "I gave the go-ahead for three medic nins to join the ANBU last week" he says, and looks at her again, "I don't see them among the ANBU today"

The chill touches her gut, makes its way to her throat and Hinata feels like she can't breathe.

"Do you understand what I'm saying? The medics are among the most protected in the ANBU, but once you're out in battle, you're targeted the most"

She knows this, of course she does, but to hear it from him adds a finality she doesn't want to believe.

"I know" she says hopelessly, because something inside her tells her she needs to do this now that she has been presented the opportunity. She remembers her father, bones scattered somewhere out there and she feels the call that she had never tried to understand; it resembles Kiba's eyes.

"Good" and she's surprised to realize it's not Naruto who is saying this, but Sasuke, who's has suddenly appeared behind him. He casts a cold look at her, "You start immediately. You will be in my squad. Izuno's dead so you can see the necessity of your presence."

Naruto hisses, "Sasuke. Have some respect for the dead. He was a good medic nin-"

"But not good enough" Sasuke retorts, crowding into Naruto's space and effectively drawing Hinata out of their conversation.

She feels bereft, but she suspects that it's more than just their argument that's causing it.

"If I have to pay my respect to every single one who dies, I wouldn't be able to function now would I?"

"Well, it doesn't mean you have to be such an ass about it!" and there's this fuming anger in Naruto's eyes that makes her feel cold, and at first, seeing them argue, she thinks that they must absolutely hate each other, but whatever fire she sees is suddenly a paler glow when she notices Naruto's hand clutching Sasuke's arm in the heat of their exchange.

She remembers when Kiba would hold her arm in the rare moments he visited. A desperate grasping hold. A reminder that he was alive and so was she.

She thinks Naruto and Sasuke must be good friends.

In light of that, she hesitantly smiles.

**~1980, June 15**

It's during dinner that Hinata says, "I'm losing my strength"

Sasuke stop eating to look at her.

He's made dumplings, and they smell like vinegar and are smoked in just the right way, emulating the care put into them, but Hinata feels uncomfortable instead, and there's dread pooling in her gut.

"What?" he says.

She lets out a breath, "I realized it last night- no I've observed it since we got here. I can't sense your presence"

"That's because you're re-" he starts but she cuts him off,

"Recovering, yes, that's what I thought too." She musters, "but my healing isn't following the usual progression" she says.

Sasuke frowns, "have you taken into account that there are no medic nins here-"

"Yes! I took that into account. No tools, no full medical examination. I should still be getting back my strength along with the physical healing though." She drops the chopsticks, and looks at her hands, as if they hold the answers. They're pale and there are old scars there. "My chakra paths are scrambled. I couldn't even manage a simple healing jutsu when I got a paper cut yesterday! A paper cut, from reading!" she hiccups in between half garbled words and her face feels hot and wet, "It was a simple healing jutsu. Even genin level ninjas can manage that!"

Sasuke is out of the chair and in front of her before she realizes anything, and he's stroking her hair.

She wonders why he's doing that, and tries to swat his hand away, but he pulls her closer, mustering out, "Hinata calm down. Calm down."

"Calm down…"

There must've been some lapse in time because one moment, she sees the plate she had been eating with, and in the next moment, she sitting in bed and wrapped in a blanket and Sasuke's muttering to her.

"Calm down…"

She latches on to those words like a lifeline but the world looks like it's been compressed in front of her eyes and everything is narrowed into the eye of a needle.

Sasuke seems so far away.

Home is so far away.

"I'm sorry" she manages out, "I'm sorry. I'll be fine. I just need a moment" She wants to wait until her viewpoint isn't compressed to the size of a pin and she wants to see Sakura. She wants to see Naruto too. She wants to see Kiba and even Tenten – and it's funny because Tenten wouldn't really care to see her because she's much too busy looking at medical records anyway.

"I'm here" Sasuke says.

And she wonders why he would say that, but it only takes her a second to realize shes saying everything out loud, "…and Naruto would care, but he'd care as much as he would for anyone else..." and she makes herself stop because Sasuke has an ugly look.

He looks somewhere between painfully indifferent and angry and tired.

He grabs her by the shoulders and he listens to her pulse – that habit again – and he's matches the rhythm of her exhales until she calms down.

They sit in silence.

They sit in silence until her hands stop shaking – she hadn't noticed that they had been shaking.

"Don't break" he finally says, "Don't fuckin' go crazy on me here. Don't ever do that again. Don't scare yourself so much that you can't hear me. Don't go where I can't follow" his grip is like iron, "Do you understand!" and it's not a question, but a statement.

She understands.

She remembers what Tsunade had whispered to Naruto at the start of their one-year undercover mission to the sound. She had meant it to be quiet but the anger had drained into the volume of her tone, "They will grow dependent on each other, more so than what you normally see between partners in the battlefield. Those two amidst the enemy. Can't you see what that can do to…"

And Naruto had said something back so quietly that Hinata couldn't hear but she had stood like a good soldier, at attention, with Sasuke at her side, awaiting orders.

* * *

A/N: This chapter was unbearably tough to write. I still feel like I couldn't get the emotion I wanted to get across. But it's done and I'm going to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Computer was once again wiped clean. I had to retype the chapter from scratch. I tried to be careful with editing, but frustration deals an impressive hand.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**The Sharp Edge**

**~1975, February 4**

Hinata feels less than prepared when she's thrown out into battle. It's an apparently routine mission to clear the scouts hiding around the outskirts of the Konoha camp.

A ninja – Hiten, she remembers his name because of the slight upward quirk of the left side of his mouth when he smiles – is reaching out towards her, in the middle of the blood and gore, and is moaning out, "Fuck fuck fuck" and he's reaching out towards their general direction in the trees, arm like a limp flag of surrender. He's bleeding out through his stomach, caught by a sound nin who had stabbed him in the chest, then quickly hid himself in the bushes. Hinata had been thrown into cover with Sasuke and Karin – another teammate with a fiery temper– providing the force to propel her into semi-safety from the sound nin's detection.

She can feel Sasuke's breath against her shoulder as he pulls her further back into the safety of the trees and when he whispers, worried, "Fuck. Karin, get him." and the red-haired woman beside him nods and sneaks away, dropping into a lower branch and performing a quiet descent into lower foliage.

Hinata watches, almost enraptured at the sheer confidence of the woman, silent and strong. So different from their introductions, when Karin had frowned and said pettily, "Back the fuck off from Sasuke. He's mine" and then had scowled when Sasuke had continued the introductions with ease and cold indifference.

Hiten had garnered her a look when Sasuke had taken the lead out of the village – her first mission in the ANBU with a fresh team - Karin close behind and Hiten at the rear with Hinata. "You'll get used to it soon" he had said as they moved, "not knowing where we're going or what the control tower is leading us in to. Just knowing we're fighting and we're doing it for our village"

They had been brave words and Hiten had been this immovable wall in that moment that Hinata had admired.

But war does things to people.

Hinata feels even smaller now when Sasuke whispers to her, over her shoulder, "Stay here and stay hidden" and he vanishes into the foliage opposite where Karin had went.

It's only without Sasuke and Karin's presence that she begins to feel the chill come in, starting from her chest. It crawls into her fingers and worms it's way into the crevice of her ribs.

She's alone, on the field with hostile sound nin hiding along with her and she has the offensive skills of a genin. Sakura would tell her to stop being so self-deprecating, but her words do no good to Hinata now.

She doesn't move. She's absolutely still and thoughts race through her head, all centering around joining in on the fight and proving her worth, but then they circle back to Sasuke's order's and the slow creeping fear keeping her rooted in her spot. She knows now that her eyes must be very wide, staring into the center of the field where Hiten is lying, bleeding.

She zones in on that – maybe because anything else she's thinking of is useless – and she registers how easily she can staunch the wound, stabilize his torso and begin an emergency procedure to bundle what little blood is left in his system to the important areas of his body needing the blood, like his brain. Then she could pour alcohol to sterilize the wound and then perform a healing jutsu. But she just sits there, frozen.

And there's suddenly a blur of motion, so fast, that Hinata can almost not process it. Karin drops in front of Hiten, makes to grab him when senbon needles suddenly erupt from all directions and Karin blows them away with a wind jutsu of sorts, so quietly muttered that Hinata can't even fathom the name. More senbon fly from the trees and it's only out of pure luck that Hinata sees from the corner of her eyes, a blur of motion, and she knows it's Sasuke because the barrage of senbon lessen during each wave aimed at Karin until there's silence once again in the forest.

Sasuke neatly jumps out of a tree and Hinata can see all the blood. It's down his waist and across his face and especially pooling down his arms and staining his boots. He has a grim look on his face and he takes a deep breath and sheathes the sword in his hand.

Almost immediately, bodies fall out of the trees, and Hinata can see from her vantage point, the cuts along their throats, like they're nothing more than fish in the market.

Karin laughs, and says "That was too easy" and there are cuts along her body where the senbon had hit. Hiten is behind her mostly unharmed from the barrage.

Even knowing that her team is no worse for wear, Hinata feels like she can't move, like she can't breathe. She thinks of her white hospital gown and the noises of the heart monitor during surgery and the hurried footsteps of Sakura in front of her as she ties back her pink hair and barks out orders and patient stats.

She narrowly misses Sasuke appearing before her saying, "-nata! I was calling you. What the fuck are you still doing in here sitting down?" He's grabbing her hand and pulling her up, "Get up. Get up"

**~1975, February 5**

"Scapel" Sakura says, and Hinata passes it to her, then looks at the floor again. She can see ants crawling along the grass and can feel a light breeze, even though the medical tent is stifling hot with the smell of medicine, antiseptic tools and sweat. It's the day after her first mission and Hinata can only think to be near Sakura, so she's volunteered her services to the medical unit. Even though she's in the ANBU, she can still volunteer in her off time.

She hasn't slept though.

She's drawn out of her daze when Sakura grabs her shoulder and says, not particularily to her, "Suzu, I need you to take over the surgery for me. I'm going out" and she pulls Hinata by the shoulders along with her.

Hinata winces, feeling the pressure tightening against her shoulder and manages a terse, "Wait. You need to continue the surgery. I-"

"No" Sakura says firmly, and pulls Hinata along some more.

It's when they're finally outside in the relative privacy of the back of the medical tent doors does Sakura care to elaborate. "There's no shame in being scared in the battlefield. It's not the same as what we do here, but those are different kinds of fears and anxieties."

Sakura sounds so gentle and understanding, and Hinata suddenly doesn't want to leave this relative quietness and safety. She's shaking again when she remembers those bodies falling, like heavy rain around Sasuke's body.

Blood and his red eyes. Karin's laugh. The pool of red around Hiten.

She thinks of Hiten reaching out towards her, and suddenly it's Kiba in her mind's eye, begging, "Please, please. Hinata. I don't want to die"

She manages a breath but she exhales too quickly then inhales just as fast and repeats. Her throat feels like it's closing in.

Sakura is gripping her shoulders, "It's alright. I need you to breathe with me Hinata, ok?"

And together, they match each other's breaths.

When they're finally breathing so slowly and so calmly that it becomes uncomfortable, Sakura grins and Hinata can only mimic helplessly from the silliness of their position, both their arms entwined and faces so close together, in scrubs and matching hair nets. They're sharing the heat from their bodies, and the sun beats on their backs unkindly. This familial touch tingles down Hinata's spine and she's happy to replace that cold feeling she had felt all day and the day before with this.

And Sakura says, in Hinata's pocket of safety and warmth, "I'm telling Naruto to take you out of the ANBU"

**~1980, June 15**

It's late, very late, when Hinata says "When were you going to tell me that any of the choices I make are now in your hands?"

Her words startle Sasuke awake, who had been sitting, facing away from her at the foot of her bed. He had told her at one point that it was to assure that she didn't do anything more drastically stupid. His words exactly.

"What are you talking about?" he says, unconcerned, and just a little bit annoyed at being woken up. It's in the gruffness of his tone that she can tell.

"Sakura already thinks I can't handle this and with her word and yours, I can be carted off for mental rehabilitation" Hinata says levelly, but her fists are shaking in anger. The mental rehabilitation ward of the hospital at Konoha is small, consisting of one department head Ibiki, who also doubles as the criminal interrogation head of the ANBU. Patients in his wing of the hospital usually experience events so traumatic in the field that they are considered as 'discharged persons' from the field, or more specifically, useless to the Konoha cause. These people are treated well, but are usually each put completely under the care of a guardian to ensure they cause no unrest to the already frightened villagers.

Hinata can feel the beginning of some understanding in some small part of her mind, but she can't acknowledge it enough to think it makes sense. A much larger part of her conscience is leaning towards Sasuke and begging for his approval and trust.

She feels like she's five again, spinning in circles on a merry-go-round in the Hyuuga compound and unable to focus around her.

"Hinata" he says, almost like he's hurt, "I won't do that, but you'll need to listen to me" he reaches to feel her forehead and she backs up sharply away from his touch.

He frowns, grabbing her hand tightly, and using his other to pull her closer, clashing his forehead against her to feel the heat. "You don't have a fever" he says, but is looking at her face intensely, "You have dark rings under your eyes. Did you even sleep?" he says and tries to maneuver her into the bed.

She follows, despite the racing thoughts in her head, colliding with visions of sleep and restlessness.

"Stop" she says, "Stop ignoring what I'm saying. Let's go. I don't want to stay here"

'I'm scared of something. I feel it in the air. I'm scared of you- no, of what you can do and the power you have over me', she wants to say, but doesn't need to because Sasuke can tell.

The room feels like it's swallowing her in and slowly, it seems like Sasuke is becoming her world. Her one connection to the outside - and she's read books on this feeling goddamnit – and she doesn't want him to become her only lifeline. He's this constant that reminds her of home, of Sakura and Naruto, and Tenten and the smell of medicine and blood.

She curls into him and whispers, "Let's go home. I want to go"

He's this large blanket covering her – choking her – and encasing her in this warmth – so stifling – and they're sharing her pillow and his chin is resting on top of her head, and her nose is touching his neck, enough that she can feel the rumble in his voice when he says, "Hinata. Stop." He lets out a breath, "I can't handle you when you're like this. This is the second time in two days Hinata. Rin was easier to deal with" he slips out.

During the beginning of her and their one year mission, when Sasuke and Hinata had been posing as immigrants from a distant peaceful village, Rin had been one of the sound nin page girls, only meant to handle more menial tasks in the sound nin headquarters, but she was around enough in the sound nin control tower to know some of their intel. She had had a rare defect in her bloodline, which had caused her body to eat away at her chakra pathways and render her useless in any form of the ninja lifestyle. Despite this, she had no family to support her and had had a second job at a small restaurant to back up her work at the control tower. She had taken routine injections at a local clinic every Wednesday to slow the process. Sasuke had hunted and picked her specifically for manipulation, visiting the restaurant everyday until she had noticed his carefully constructed gazes. He had been a gentleman to her, despite her mistrust and fragile mental facilities, and he had quickly taken ahold of her every thought and one day, when he had been sure he had harvested all the information on sound nin tactics from her mind, he had asked Hinata to help dispose of her.

Hinata had been the one to change Rin's syringe to a similar smelling and looking medication but with an effect meant to slowly increase the deterioration of Rin's health. She had carefully broken into the hospital stronghold containing the poison and had meticulously changed every dosage meant for Rin to the poison.

As Rin deteriorated more and more, Sasuke had stayed by her side.

When she had died, Sasuke had been holding her hand.

"Better to have no strings attached" he had said to Hinata when the process had been complete and he had dropped Rin's hand with disgust, like she was dirty.

He had smiled afterward, satisfied.

Hinata lets out a painfully sardonic grimace meant to be a smile, "Before or after she was murdered?"

And Sasuke scowls, "I didn't mean it like that" and he's most likely asking her in a silent way if she wants to be treated like she's fragile, but all Hinata remembers is the manipulation.

She must have said it out loud because Sasuke says, still pressed against her, almost spiteful "You've changed. A little crueler."

"Yeah" she says, warm, sheltered, and scared, "You too"

* * *

A/N: I made all that medical stuff up. I'm unhappy with this chapter and unhappy with my computer. I will eventually show how strong Hinata is so please bear with me as you read right now on her very weak mental facilities.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hinata's tougher in this chapter?

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.

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**Chapter 6**

**Regardless of Worries**

**~1975, February 5**

Hinata's mind stutters to a halt. "W-what?" she manages, timid and unsure.

"I'm requesting to have you taken out" Sakura repeats in a tone that's well-meaning but clogs Hinata's throat enough that she can barely respond with something coherent.

It all seems too soon.

And Hinata doesn't pause to say, "No"

Sakura steps back like she's been hit, taking all the warmth Hinata craves with her.

Sakura looks surprised.

"No? What do you mean no?" she reaches out again and presses her hands onto Hinata's face, leaving a warm trail, "You look tired. More tired than when you're taking shifts here at the hospital" and she lets out a wry smile, looking like the calm before the inevitable storm, "Can't you see that this is bad for you?"

Hinata listens, because Sakura has never meant her any harm.

Sakura is her friend.

Yet, Hinata can feel each word that she says is making her slow-coming resolve falter.

"I mean, the fact that Naruto even let you serve under Sasuke is insane. He may be strong and his team may be on par with him as well, but having you exposed to that on your first mission says a lot about our situation. Medic-nins untrained in field combat sent out on the front lines? That's insane, Hinata" Sakura frowns, stress lines forming on her forehead, "It says a lot about our village. He's asking for too much from you. You can say no Hinata. You know that right?"

Hinata lets out a breath, stuttering and a direct contrast from her conviction, swirling in the forefront of her mind. "S-sakura" she pauses, then tries again. "Sakura, I need to do this. Not just for Naruto. I-"

"But Naruto's a huge part of it, isn't he?" Sakura cuts out bitterly, "Just because he asked you, what, five years ago to join the medic field? Anyone could have done that Hinata! Or maybe it's because he's Hokage now. His power must be really attractive. Or is it-"

Hinata feels all traces of warmth completely disappear. Her throat feels clogged, like there's a wad of tissue down it, but she screams out, hoarse from misuse, "It's not like that! He was there when I was in a terrible time in my life. That year…" her voice softens, "That year Kiba and Shino left, I didn't know what to do. I was alone, but he saw me and spoke to me. Even though it was just for recruiting…"

She wants to add 'he saw me. He was really bright and beautiful. I wish the world could be like him' but no words come out and she can feel that imaginary wad of tissue descending lower and she has to swallow.

Sakura looks like she's lost some of her anger, but her face is getting paler and her words come out almost erratically, "Naruto has hundreds of people risking their lives for him every day. Your sacrifice won't be any different"

"Maybe so, but…" Hinata chokes, at the truth of it.

"But" she tries, veering off topic, scared, "s-sometimes the nightmares won't stop, no matter how many shifts I take at the hospital. I manage to sleep and t-there's Kiba and he's t-telling me that I need to help him and how am I helping him h-here? He's somewhere out there Sakura and I can't even talk to him anymore because I can't recognize him, what the war has made him into!" Her words come out frayed at the edges and her shaking is back.

So is her stutter. So is her self-loathing she experienced even in her days as a genin. So weak, unable to keep the ones she cared about close to her. Kiba's gone. Shino's gone. Her father is gone. All she has left is Naruto who remembers her from that time. Who's seen her at her worst.

Even now, rising in skill and her position in the hospital, she can't hold back this need anymore; this need to be more. To fight more. To get Kiba to talk to her again eye to eye. To share in their adolescence laughter and gush over dreams. To get Naruto to look at her; to really look at her. She wants to stand as a soldier in the battlefield and to haul the pride of her father over her shoulder all the way into war.

She wants this almost unreachable - painted white and innocent – dream.

Sakura would disapprove.

Sakura would disapprove of a lot of things. She would disapprove of her stuttering and her tears, tell her to suck it up while giving her a handkerchief and glaring at passerby's who dare make a spectacle of Hinata's soft moments. All the things Hinata appreciates. She feels ugly in front of Sakura.

And well, Sakura looks like she's not happy right now.

Hinata feels like she can't match Sakura's thinking no matter how many strides to her side she takes.

But this one thing – to join the ANBU – is her step out of Sakura's shadow, to mold into her own self.

Hinata really thinks the ANBU is the answer. She's scared, and she's tired but she thinks being out there, out of the village will help her find herself. Help her find Kiba. Maybe even help Naruto notice her again – see that he's putting the protection of the village in the right hands. Any request he makes, she can obey if it's in her power.

He's someone Kiba and Shino are fighting for. She will do it to, dragging along all her fears with her. Like they had done. Like they are doing right now while she sits here and mopes.

Sakura finally says, very quietly, "So the medic nins inside the tents behind us are doing nothing for this village? Are all out efforts and insane shifts buffered with coffee and anti-depressants just meaningless to you? Am I so cowardly when I wake up everyday to tend to the sick?" It's so quiet that Hinata realizes that she's really hurt Sakura. Hurt her to the core.

"That's not what I mean" and she reaches out for her and Sakura slaps her hand back, so hard it hurts. The pain seems to travel to all areas of her body, even when she says, "I'm grateful for you taking me in as your assistant, when it looked like I was mediocre compared to the other medics-in-training. I'm grateful t-that you protected me from, from a lot of things. But-" she breathes, sensing the end, "I need to do this. Don't you understand?"

There's silence for a moment. Only the background noise of moving medic nins and bustling staff from inside the tents can be heard.

"Well I hope you find what you're looking for" Sakura finally says, and it's in the voice that Hinata only hears directed at their worst enemies, "because I sure as hell hear loud and clear that it's something me and this hospital can't offer." She breathes, softer, "Despite all this, I still hope you come back in one piece, despite your lack of field training. I hope Sasuke teaches you and takes good care of you-" and she cuts off her own words like it take some effort and turns to walks back inside.

Hinata lets out a shaky sigh after a moment, and it's a very long moment.

She knows she must be a sight; lanky hair and black rims under her eyes. Fresh new tears are falling and she regrets that she didn't tell Sakura that she considers her to be a great friend.

A really good friend.

And now, even if she were to try, she can tell that Sakura's eyes are stone.

**~1975, February 5**

"Hello" Hinata says in greeting, pausing in front of Sasuke. He's where most of the ANBU are to regroup or recuperate. It's a separate tent with privileges, such as standby medical staff to cart them off to the hospital if need be. Sasuke is seated at an isolated corner outside of the tent. He had been staring past the trees when she approached.

He garners her a look, "Hnn" he says, almost inaudible, but she takes it as permission to seat herself by his side.

Her previous fight with Sakura fuels her veins with enough raw emotion – a swirl of anger and remorse, shame and betrayal – that she doesn't find herself nervous at his side; nervous for her performance in her first mission. "I need to know that if I'm by your side, we'll win the war" she says. She doesn't look to his face as she says this, and follows his gaze to the trees.

Sasuke seems to puff out a breath, like he wasn't expecting that. Funny; Hinata didn't expect herself to say that either. She's trying to maybe catch Sakura somewhere in the distance with her eyes, as ridiculous as it may seem.

"We will" he says dispassionately. "Is that all you wanted to tell me because you'll find that this conversation seems to be a waste of time?"

"And I need to know" she cuts in "that you won't leave me behind. I'm your soldier now, not a pawn" and she wants to emphasize that to him because as weak-limbed as she is right now, she can't help but feel like a rag-doll. Worn, stretched, and tired. It doesn't mean she wants to be one.

He makes a move to brush his bangs away and it's in that moment that she notices the dark rings under his eyes as well.

They match.

"That's one of the easier things I can promise" he finally says genuinely. "You are my ally" he agrees then adds flatly "better now?"

'No' she thinks, but says "Yes."

She then gets up to leave because his body language – turning away from her and not once maintaining eye contact – suggests that their conversation is over.

Hinata walks away feeling like she's taking some sort of step towards Naruto, who's so far away, and Kiba and Shino, who are even farther.

But she's taking a huge step away from Sakura. And it hurts.

**~1980, June 28**

Two weeks. Two weeks she's stayed sedately in bed. She lets Sasuke carry her into the bath. She doesn't antagonize him and she doesn't do anything to raise any of his suspicions of her rebellion.

Today, he's taking out all the stitches.

Hinata sees an opportunity.

Despite his passable skill in removing them, Hinata can't help but to, out of habit, point out more effective ways to do it, "Don't pull like that" she says, "you'll aggravate the wound" and he takes her word but looks to the side almost to quickly to be seen; it's his way of rolling his eyes. She finds herself letting out a wry smile throughout the procedure when he looks almost exasperated.

It's cool in the room and he mumbles at one point about making her soup.

She touches the scar the wound has left behind, all due to a patchwork job, and makes herself look busy by staring at it. The day they'd been attacked comes back into mind. They had been careless. Disposing one of the bodies of a sound nin villager with an abundance of intel, not noticing some patrol guards following silently in their wake. Hinata hadn't seen the first hit, but she trusts Sasuke had disposed of them thoroughly and covered their tracks.

From the corner of her eye, Sasuke has left the scissors on the table closest to her. He's packing up the new bandages and throwing away the old ones when Hinata asks calmly, "Can I have some painkillers? My stomach still hurts a bit."

He nods and turns his back to her and it's all she needs.

She flips herself off her back onto her stomach, grabbing the scissors on the way, and she jumps on him just as he turns around, caught off guard.

They land, sprawled on the floor, and she wastes no time in holding the sharp part of the scissors to his eye and she says, "You're going to tell me what's going on"

* * *

A/N: Reviews are always appreciated. Special thanks to my guest reviewers who have reviewed many of my chapters.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Wise We Grow**

**~1975, February 6**

Hinata misses Sakura.

Hinata sits in her barely occupied tent, quite a ways away from the hospital, but it had never really bothered her too much before because she usually fell asleep in the hospital anyway. Now it does. It is empty in a way that hints at disuse. She eats breakfast, lunch and dinner in her tent. She stares at the wall for hours, dozing in and out at times. She gets up to stretch, then goes back to sleep. She thinks to visit the hospital then thinks that she probably shouldn't because Sakura would be angry. It's a stupid reason, she knows, but she doesn't want to acknowledge that perhaps, she's scared to grovel at Sakura's feet for forgiveness. She's said unforgivable things anyway. Stupid.

Yup, it's stupid, she knows.

She waits for the next mission in silence.

She dozes some more.

**~1975, February 7**

The day is uneventful. No news from the ANBU. No visit to the hospital.

Hinata mopes all day. She doesn't like to think of it like that, but she knows she's doing it.

**~1975, February 8**

Hinata goes outside for fresh air. She sits, leaning against her tent and stares at the trees. Some ANBU are racing off to a mission. Some are returning. She focuses on one - a woman with long black hair - missing an arm. The wound is staunched and the two ANBU carrying her to the hospital seem to be yelling, but they're so far in the distance that Hinata can't discern their words.

Hinata looks away.

She catches sight of a white butterfly. She follows its delicate path with her eyes.

She doesn't feel much of anything today.

She has nightmares by the time night rolls in. Kiba's bloody hand is reaching out, but not quite touching her.

**~1975, February 9**

Hinata has that dream again. Kiba reaching out to her, begging her for mercy, something she can't provide. Not yet. He's saying, "Help me Hinata, please. I don't want to die. Please. Hinata." His image seems to flicker, and it's suddenly Hiten. Then Kiba again when she blinks.

She has the scalpel but she doesn't have the anesthesia.

It will be painful. The surgery, of course.

Just when she begins to cut into his skin and it seems like his scream will reach a crescendo, she wakes up with a start in her tent. Sweat is pooling down her forehead. Her hands are shaking and she almost expects it to be late, but she's surprised to see the light shining through the tent window.

She sits up after a while. She wipes the sweat away.

She feels uprooted. She feels like someone has come in and rearranged her furniture, and then put it back just slightly off its original position. She feels like the world has tilted an extra couple degrees to the side and only she's noticed it.

It takes awhile for Hinata to recognize the feeling. Nostalgia.

She's been here before. Alone. Bereft. That year Kiba and Shino had left to join the war. Naruto had been there to lift her up and Sakura had been the one to keep her walking. Naruto is now much too busy and her tie with Sakura is worn and stretched, on the verge of being cut.

Hinata forces herself to smile.

Sakura had once told her, during one of their seventy-four hour late shifts when they had downed four cups of coffee in rapid succession, "The trick is to convince your brain that you're happy. Then you actually will be." She had been speaking a mile a minute, boosted by the temporary affects of the caffeine, and Hinata had been sure she had absolutely adored Sakura then. She still does now. Can't find it in her heart to hate her.

Sakura had also told her once, when Hinata had failed in an operation during her medic training, "Help yourself first. Then you can help others." Sakura had sounded almost cruel that time – filled with anecdotes and wisdom - when Hinata had been shaking and guilty from not being perfect, but Sakura had been her anchor.

Hinata likes to believe that Sakura's words are inspirational and life altering, even now, but even thinking of them doesn't particularly make her want to do anything. She wants to curl into a ball again and doze somewhere between being awake and asleep. She doesn't want nightmares either.

She forces herself to get up though when she's convinced herself that she's being unproductive and that she'll get fat if she does nothing. It's trivial and makes her think of when Sakura had said that years ago and had pulled her blanket off and said "Hinata. Seriously. Holy shit. Get up. I need you now at the hospital. Just because you've lost one patient doesn't mean you should lose others by not doing shit" Sakura had been relentlessly insensitive, but needed.

Hinata needs her now.

Hinata starts with opening the blinds of the window all the way.

The sun is warm on her skin.

**~1975, February 10**

Hinata starts training. She tries using senbon but is dismayed by her lack of accuracy. It's no surprise since most of her skill lies in surgical precision at a close-range, not long-distance aiming. She still attempts it.

By the end of the day, she's sweating and laying under the sun, a layer of her jacket gone long ago due to the exertion. Senbon and kunai are everywhere, most not on the target, but she feels better than whatever she's felt in days.

She tells herself she'll come every day, if there are no ANBU missions.

**~1975, February 11**

Hinata visits Hiten. He's in the recovery wing of the tent.

They exchange pleasantries. She gives him flowers, picked from the field and smelling sweet, and sits by his bedside. There are already a few flowers there.

He tells her, "Sasuke's giving us a break. Trust me, the missions usually occur one after the other. Sometimes you get two a day." He looks at her, "My injury is just an excuse" and he grins in pride, "I once did a mission with a broken arm. No joke. This is nothing. If he asks, I can function." His face suddenly looks serious, "I think he really is just seeing if you'll quit."

"I won't" she says.

"Good" he says, then laughs – though she can't see what's funny - and its boisterous enough that it makes him cough and clutch his stomach.

Hinata's view flickers and she sees him drowning in a pool of blood. His intestines are showing. Her heart almost stops and when she blinks, he's fine and saying "you ok?"

"Yes" she says after a second, "Yes"

After, she goes home and trains. Her kunai skills marginally improve.

**~1975, February 13**

She has a mission.

Sasuke only gives her a once-over, looks to Karin and Hiten and says, "Let's go"

They only have a patrol mission. Sound nin attack and Sasuke kills them without even needing his team.

"It's definitely getting too easy" Karin says, a little disappointed, it seems to Hinata's eyes. "Maybe it's because the Hokage is aware of our newest edition" she drawls, and gives Hinata a pointed look that makes Hinata feel like shrinking back. By all appearances though, she's looking into Karin's eyes with an equally steadfast stare.

Karin grins back after a moment and Hiten cuts in "I'm pretty fuckin hungry" and they all go to get ramen together.

Sasuke leaves when he's done, and Karin bounces after him, plate barely finished.

It's Hiten who rolls his eyes and smirks at Hinata, "She never learns that Sasuke's got the emotional capacity of a rock" and Hinata enjoys the solidarity. She thinks it's because she visited him in the hospital – partly guilt from not being the best medic nin from their first mission – but she enjoys the interaction nevertheless.

They part ways after talking amicably about their jobs before the ANBU. He tells her that he had worked in the mental wing of the hospital and tells her that he'll most likely confess one day to Ino, one of the best workers there who also doubled as a skilled interrogator.

She dreams of Kiba that night. He's reaching for her face.

He's begging, "Hinata, please."

**~1975, February 14**

Hinata trains before the sun even rises. The nightmare didn't let her sleep for long. She aims her kunai and she thinks for a second that she sees Kiba as the target, but when she blinks, it's just a worn wooden post.

She has nightmares come nighttime. Kiba's hands grab her face this time and she wakes up, drenched in sweat, thinking, with her heart in her throat, that she can taste blood in her mouth.

**~1980, June 28**

Sasuke's surprise gives way to cold indifference. It's the look that garners no leeway to any form of interrogation. "Will you actually do it?" he says calmly, the same tone he uses when he's describing what she's eating for dinner.

"I can stab your eye" she says bluntly, coldly – like how she's been taught – and says, "Your sharingan can't do much for you if it's gouged out"

He betrays no emotion. He's a master, and Hinata stops herself from feeling the dread, knowing that she'll have to hurt him to get what she wants.

It's the end of something precious. Some careful balance they've had for so long and it's going to be gone.

She wonders if he feels it to.

They've only been breathing each other's air for so long that she can't fathom it not affecting him in the slightest. But he looks so calm. She thinks, 'bastard' and pulls the scissors closer to make a point, but her hand is shaking from the strain and when she extends her awareness, she feels her muscles are straining and shaking from the abrupt movement after so much stillness.

She looks into his eyes trying to gauge the emotion like she's learned, but all she sees is that quiet confidence that is a fine line towards arrogance, like he's sure he'll win and-

Her eyes widen in recognition and she looks up and catches sight of his clone, looking down at her from the ceiling, limbs glued to the roof and making him look like a spider. She throws the scissors to the roof with deadly accuracy – one thing she doesn't need her chakra for – and the clone dissipates. The scissors stays embedded to the roof and with the immediate threat gone, she realizes that her weapon's gone. Before she can blink, Sasuke smacks her jaw – since her grip on his eye is lost - and it send her sprawling to the side, making her hit the bed.

He moves back on instinct, then says, "Hinata-"

She shuffles and grabs the med kit off the stand, knocking the table over and rolls onto the bed, pulling the blanket with her and falling onto the other side. She lands ungracefully on her knees, and the pain from the fall ricochets from her knee. She ignores the pain and pulls the blanket completely over her.

She hears Sasuke saying, "Hinata, this is fucking childish" and she hears him vault over the bed to her side. Under the blanket, she quickly opens the med kit, pulling open the small half-filled bottle of alcohol present in it. Some of it spills down her knuckles in her haste.

Almost immediately, Sasuke pulls the blanket up and she splashes the liquid onto his face.

He hisses and backs up.

She jumps onto him again, caging his arms and putting her weight on his thighs. He shuts his eyes in pain, the alcohol already giving the burning sensation she'd hoped for.

"Let's try again" she says, "Tell me what's going on?"

Then Sasuke laughs, loudly. She automatically scans the room for more clones, but it's clear. He had underestimated her and she had used it to her advantage. She doesn't see what's funny.

"Want to give me water to wash my eyes out?" he asks, when he's dissolved into chuckles and partial hisses. Leave it to him to hide the pain. The only indicator is that his eyes are closed.

"Tell me first" she says, "then I'll take you to the washroom to rinse your eyes out. You should summarize it well so your eyes will survive." The dread is now clenching her heart, but she ignores it to stay alert.

Her whole body is shaking.

"It's what you just did" he states, eyes still closed, "The ability to attack me with half formed thoughts in your head about my allegiance. It's your ability to coldly risk me losing my eyes for answers. Despite what we've been through together."

Hinata snaps in, not wanting to hear it but wanting to as well, "Get to the point." She doesn't want him to lose his eyesight from pandering around the truth. She really doesn't. What is he talking about? He's a bastard.

He's smirking now. "That's not the kind of soldier Naruto needs. You're too unpredictable. It worried him. He told me to render you harmless. Useful, but harmless. I had a poison made, meant to systematically and permanently cut down your chakra. That attack from the border patrol weeks ago was the best bet"

Something like a keen leaves her throat and all she can muster, all she can cling to is "the mission. What about the mission? To take out the sound leader from the inside? What about that?!"

"The intel collecting was all real" he states, like he's not tearing her world apart, "The files just go to another ANBU group who will take out the sound themselves. Part of this mission was to neutralize you"

He pauses, nonchalant, "How about that water now?"

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A/N: Thank you for all your reviews. I really do appreciate all of them. What I usually do before I update a chapter (as embarrassing as it is) is read through all the reviews from the previous chapter. It helps give me the push to write out the next chapter.

Since I do read them, one reviewer specifically asked me what my story was about. It was a truly mind-blowing question, to be honest. I sat down for a while to think about it. I had a mental drawing board and everything. It was intense.

My tentative answer is: Love, I suppose. War as well. And inner conflict. Relationships. As I answer this, I realize how cluttered and multi-directional my story is. It has no true focus because I never thought to include it. I just sat down by my laptop one day and thought to myself 'I'm gonna write about love and war…oh and I definitely want Sakura to be in it…and Tenten…' etc. I guess that's an error on my part. I have the story sort of mapped out but it changes all the time with my mood, and maybe that's my problem.

So to the question, "What is this story about?" my honest answer is: I have no clue either. Many things? Lots of trivial and important things? Love, war and people. I'm truly sorry if I didn't answer that to your satisfaction (thi is aimed at everyone but specifically to the guest reviewer). I can only hope that this story continues to pique your interest until the very end. And maybe then, I'll have an answer (or maybe it'll still be a complete clusterfuck).


	8. Chapter 8

Diclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters.

A/N: Excruciatingly tough chapter to write. The present is progressing farther than the past and I'm wondering how I'm going to organize it better. But I don't want to rush the important points that I want to emphasize about the past and I didn't want to leave the present where it was from the last chapter. The next chapter will probably highlight points that are stated in the present of this chapter. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

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**Chapter 8**

**Oh Darling I**

**~1975, February 16**

Tenten surprises Hinata by visiting her.

"I don't care about your fight with Sakura" she says in greeting.

Hinata nods slowly, feeling her throat dry, "yes, of course." She doesn't like the reminder. There's this open wound sluggishly bleeding in her heart and widening whenever she thinks of Sakura. It makes her throat hurt and eyes itch.

Tenten sighs. They're sitting at the one table Hinata has in her tent. "Sakura asked me to be her assistant medic in training yesterday."

Hinata can't hide her flinch and Tenten notices it. She says "I know you've been friends with Sakura ever since she hired you when you were in-training. I'd like you to know that this wasn't done out of spite. I came here first and foremost to see you and update you on hospital business. I feel like you deserve to know"

Hinata manages out a terse, "thank you" and she feels her knuckles make little crescent moons on her skin through the light track pants she's wearing today. She was about to go out training today before Tenten had come unannounced.

Tenten grabs her shoulder and Hinata, out of surprise, rocks her head up away from looking at her lap to look into Tenten's eyes. She says, "I was originally on the ANBU, and I know you already know that. I'm out of the ANBU now and doing the hospital's paperwork and nursing." She pauses, considering.

Tenten's grip on Hinata's shoulder is tighter before she must realize herself that her gesture isn't very comforting, so she pulls her hand back.

"This position, I think it'll help me." Tenten looks morose, "Most of us burn out quickly in the ANBU and it was a joint decision between my superior and I that I take the discharge and work in the hospital. I hate it. But-" she laughs, "all I've learned from this war is hate."

And Hinata feels stupidly selfish and terrible because she can't think past the fact that Sakura doesn't need her anymore. She hears Tenten's words, but the forefront of her mind is processing the fact that Sakura doesn't need her anymore.

She knows that if Sakura were in this position, she would have laughed and said, "Please. I'm too good for this anyway."

Hinata misses Sakura.

It's Tenten who finally gets up after a tense silence that's stretched far too long to be comfortable, most likely sensing her discomfort, and says tersely, "That was too much. I'll – I mean, have a good day" and makes a motion to get up.

It's out of reflex that Hinata reaches out and grasps her arm; maybe it's a need for comfort now that she's on shaky ground. Or maybe she's making amends for trivializing Tenten's words.

Tenten stares at her arm like it's something foreign. She couldn't possibly know what Hinata's thinking, but Hinata feels that clawing guilt anyway.

"Please stay for some tea" she finally says and grips Tenten's arm harder, "please"

**~1975, February 20**

Hinata goes to visit Sakura. There are lots of reasons why she does it. Jealousy over her lost position, anger towards Sakura for not understanding, for not accepting her decision, for not being there for her. "Petty. Selfish." Sakura would say, but Hinata isn't Sakura. And sometimes, she wishes she were.

Hinata cuts back that train of thought, but it threatens to override that shaky conviction she's worked so hard to muster. Why do it if Sakura disapproves, scorns her and avoids her? She thinks of Kiba and Shino and a row of daisies similar to the one they ran through as children. She imagines Sakura there with her, laying back and breathing in the sun, and Naruto overlooking the field, grinning. It's pristine, bright and lovely. She likes that vision; wants to bottle it up and keep it clasped to her chest. She needs it.

Hinata steps into the hospital

She knows Sakura is most likely in her makeshift office since it's around the time for her break. Hinata remembers sitting there during the times when they wanted to sleep but not stray too far from their patients. They would sit on the chairs and lean on each other for a couple hours until a nurse would come in to shake them awake.

She walks through several corridors, ignored by running nurses and a couple of tired looking medics, and she soon finds the room. The door is wide open, but she knocks anyway to get Sakura's attention.

Sakura looks up from writing something down on a stack of papers. She does something between a frown and a grimace, "I didn't think you'd come and see me so soon" she says, "I thought you would have gotten injured first and it would have been only then." There's something forlorn in her tone that makes Hinata feel like crying. Sakura wouldn't want to see that though, ever.

"Sakura" she says. "Sakura" and she cuts the distance between them but stops herself short in front of Sakura's desk. She says softly, "I miss you"

Sakura flinches. "Then quit the ANBU" she retorts.

Hinata pauses, "I can't"

The silence stretches, and they stare at each other. Sakura's gaze is sharp, like cut diamonds and Hinata feels sad in being the one to receive such a look and torn that she could end it just as easily.

It's Sakura who finally says, "When Sasuke and Naruto started becoming integral to the resistance, I told myself I'd join the ANBU with Sasuke." Sakura lets out a sigh, and Hinata doesn't miss the tremble in it, "He was against it. Very against it. He told me that I'd be safer in Konoha with Naruto to watch over me…and I should have been upset, but I was so glad that Sasuke was paying attention to me instead." She removes her hand to run it through her own pink locks, "So I joined the medic squad because I thought it would be really amazing if I could nurse him when he was hurt. I soon realized how stupid that dream – no, fantasy- how stupid that fantasy was. But I'm still here. Waiting for him." Hinata could see the minute clench in Sakura's fists. "I was the best in the class. I was the only one to single-handedly be tutored under Tsunade. I am one of the best in the hospital. One of the best in this field." she says.

She looks like she wants to say more, but she stops herself. Instead, Sakura reaches under her stack of papers and pulls out a notebook. It's fairly worn, obvious that it's a personal book because it has Sakura's legible scrawl on the cover. It says, 'Taijutsu and chakra control'

"This is for you" Sakura says, "It's a document of Tsunade's fighting style. When I was learning from her, I took notes on her technique." She sighs and looks at the book a moment longer, her grip tightening on it, "It teaches you to improve your physical strength by siphoning chakra from other parts of your body to the needed appendage. It requires precise chakra control, which medic nins already have, so it shouldn't be too hard to eventually master. I never learned how to do it even when Tsunade encouraged me to."

Hinata looks at Sakura –really looks at her - her slumped form, the wary way she holds the book towards Hinata and her tired eyes. And Hinata feels this overwhelming affection for her that she never could hide. It overrides her anger, her jealousy, her sadness. It's always these gestures by Sakura that make her happy.

She says, softly, affectionately, "I'll protect you"

And Sakura surprises her when she barks out a laugh, a wry smile in place, "That's the last thing I need"

**~1980, June 28**

Hinata helps Sasuke to the washroom, lifting him from their entangled position and allowing him to entwine his hand with hers to avoid obstacles in their path.

When they reach the bathroom, she helps guide his hand to the faucet when she finds that she can't stand watching him grope around for it.

Sasuke rinses his eyes a couple times and when he raises his head after a couple seconds, she forces his head back down and says, "rinse them longer than that"

He doesn't comment, just complies.

She turns and walks out of the washroom, thinking to herself on auto-pilot, 'A weapon, I need to get a weapon.' She faintly hears Sasuke asking where she's going, but she ignores it, finds the kitchen and pulls out a butcher knife from one of the drawers.

She tenses when his hand grabs her shoulder and turns to look at him, weapon clutched close to her chest.

He says, eyes never once looking at the knife, but straight into her eyes, "The poison was given to you in doses. The first time, after you had been taken down by the sound nin, I gave it to you as an injection. Gradually I increased the doses by mixing it into your food"

Hinata doesn't say anything. Her head is empty. She's reciting to herself the major arteries in the body, but despite that, she can still clearly hear Sasuke's words.

"The last dose would have been three days from now. I didn't take into account that you'd attack me. Its purpose was to completely destroy your chakra passages, similar to Rin. You would have lived though. I briefly considered that you'd think something was wrong but I was almost sure you'd relate your chakra digression to the severity of the attack and eventually go back to Konoha with me. Maybe retire after." He's analytical and neutral and she can't stand it. Not now.

She tenses and takes a swing at Sasuke and he catches her hand. His mouth quirks upward for a second, "That move was completely projected. I'll just believe that you didn't mean to hurt me"

She can't place what she's feeling still. She just knows that she has to hit him until he shuts up, until he stops talking. Until he makes some sort of derogatory comment about her being impossible to handle. Until he looks somewhere between torn and annoyed as he checks her wounds.

Until he listens to her heartbeat; then maybe he'll realizes the frightened pace it's making in her rib cage.

He tries to pull the knife out of her hand, but her grip tightens. She can't let it go. She can't.

She follows the path of her raised elbow to the tips of her fingers, gripping the knife, and entwined in his. Oh, there's the shaking. She sees it now, but her brain is frighteningly disconnected from the rest of her body. She recedes into remedies for numbness, memorized by rote from her medic training days.

He reaches out with his other hand towards her face, using the hand that's curled around the knife to pull her closer to him. He makes a gesture to touch her face and she leans back a bit and turns away at the first attempt. He finally grabs her from the base of her chin and tips her up to look into his eyes and continues.

"It also has some benefits" he says calmly, "The chakra paths leading to your brain are severed as well. Panic attacks, especially from your nightmares, that result in you unconsciously releasing chakra won't happen anymore. You won't be more tired when you wake up. It temporarily makes your nightmare less vivid. Distorted, until the last dose. Practically gone for the time being." And then, with almost passable regret, he says, "You should've slept more when I told you to. It would've been better. Less violent, less…real."

Her brain stutters to a halt from its painfully sluggish pace and she says, "It's a waste of resources. Why am I in here?" Some darker, bitter part of her wants to say he's the bigger threat.

He's scowling now and she can see the beginnings of wrinkles from how often he does it, "You've already asked that and you're not listening to me. Worry more about yourself for a moment." His grip tightens and she can feel her bones creak, "Just for one moment." He breathes and loosens his grip, "Naruto's been stressed. Listening to mental health reports from Ibiki about you."

Hinata lets out something between a sigh and a wheeze. It was under Sasuke's orders years ago, during her time in the ANBU, that she have semi-regular mental health check-ups. There'd been too much tragedy in their team that it had warranted Sasuke's decision and even now, she finds it hard to believe that he had been worried. He had always seemed so indestructible. Even now, annoyed, clenching her hand, he seems that way.

"You were deemed unstable, not a surprise with your running in ANBU. But he stressed in his report about your escalating nightmares, and your weak grasp between reality and your dreams. Sakura took Ibiki's side on his analysis. So did Tsunade and I did as well."

Hinata rears up with renewed vigor to hurt him, but she can't move her arm that's entwined in his.

He looks calmly at her, like he's chastising a child. It makes her bristle. "You were self-destructing. Not sleeping. You'd lose time because of your nightmares. Sometimes you'd forget to eat."

She feels moisture dripping down her cheeks, "So is the rest of the ANBU and even the village itself. We're all a little insane from the war. We fight and fight and we think it's almost the end and then the Sound outsmart us and then there's more pressure on the village to survive, on our ninjas to fight and all we want is happiness. Tenten even-"

"Do you think I give a fuck about her?!" Sasuke snarls suddenly and his grip tightens. His eyes are wide and his breathing has increased. She sees that his eyes are still a little pink from the alcohol.

The bones in her wrist feel like they're going to snap. Her eyes are drawn to them.

"Tenten can handle the ANBU. But you-" he hisses, "were under the collective shelter of Sakura and the rest of your friends around the time she felt the blood from her first kill." He emphasizes the word 'friends' and 'kill' with a snarl. He's talking about Kiba and Shino, who had been wary of her position in the ANBU.

She can only stare at him; it's been so long since she's seen him so outwardly angry. Her focus isn't on her wrist anymore.

His breathing slows, like he's trying to reign something back in, and she can only watch, entranced by the show of so many expressions on his face. "It takes a certain kind of person to join the ANBU. Usually they're handpicked based on their mental and physical strength. Naruto was getting desperate when he let you in. When he structured our team with Karin and Hiten as well."

It makes Hinata think of Sakura saying all those years ago, "I'm telling Naruto to take you out of the ANBU." Naruto's smile. Sakura's weary eyes. Kiba's bloody hands and him begging, "please."

Her breath hitches.

"It was my choice to join" she finally says and she looks helplessly at where his hand is crushing hers, "Sasuke, you're hurting me"

His grip loosens.

"And why are you telling me all this?" she asks, reeling from his obedience. She doesn't understand. "Wouldn't it just have been better to knock me out again? Deliver the rest of the dose. Ship me back to the mental ward in konoha, or better yet, just kill me all at once? Let me go like the rest of our old team?!"

She feels her body growing smaller, like she's a ripe balloon quickly losing air, but Sasuke holds her up.

He sounds like he's calmed down, but he feels alien – hell, the situation feels alien. "It's for the best" he now has an almost gentle cadence in his tone. "You can help those you love by staying in konoha…where they can be sure you're safe. Don't worry. You're still needed." He's pressing the back of her skull, slipping a hand through her short tresses. Soft. Manipulative.

"You can take up medical duty again if you'd like. Many surgeries don't need chakra. You can see Sakura every day. You can settle down" and he pauses, "And when the war ends, I'll build a compound that looks like the old Hyuuga compound, maybe a bit like the Uchiha compound as well. You'll always be near daisies. I'll have them sent for you every day."

The picture he paints is strikingly more beautiful than she'd ever dared herself to imagine. She can almost smell the flowers. It's like her bath. Sweet and pleasant. So Still. With calm waters.

It's quiet for a moment.

"We could have two children" he says.

"Wha-" she chokes out and drops the knife. Sasuke catches it and puts it on the kitchen counter. He uses both his hands now to cup her cheeks. It's not as affectionate as it is demanding. His forehead is touching hers.

'Too close' she thinks and that's just the thing. She can't think with him so near. His hair is a lovely shade of raven and his skin is pale and his hands are calloused and ridged with scars. Like hers.

He says softly, "I'll protect you"

* * *

A/N: Thank you once again for all your reviews. They made me think about this chapter, especially on how I wanted to structure it. There are parallels here that I really wanted to stress but I don't like the idea of blatantly telling them in the story. If anyone has questions though, please PM me or leave it in a review. It could just be my fault that I didn't show it well enough in my writing.

Reviews are always appreciated. And while we're on the topic of them, I really received some very lovely ones for the last chapter. Long and well-thought out ones that made me really nervous to post this one. I reminded myself that this isn't that test I had on quantum mechanics (because when I did that test, I almost threw up in fear) and just let myself write it. I hope it holds up to all your expectations. And if not, I can only hope to keep your interest as I slowly try to sort out how to improve.


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